I play Super Mario Run in a very stubborn way.
tfw you spend time doing tech support for yourself every cot damn morning
You vs The guy she told you not to worry about.
If you’ve heard me talk about the 2017 Royal Rumble, you’ve probably heard my wish for something that will not come true: Kofi Kingston finally winning the match he’s highlighted for years. Unfortunately, because of a few things I can’t really explain right now, I’m sure that will not happen.
But what if it did? And then some.
Right now, the WWE needs over babyfaces like new parents need fresh diapers. We’re about to start the road to Wrestlemania and three of the faces that WWE wishes were over (Reigns, Rollins, and Ambrose) are all floundering, thanks to being misused over the years.
WWE doesn’t need to rely on the former Shield to carry it, though, not when it has an easier option. And no, you don’t need to ask Who? Who? Who? Who? Because you know who I’m talking about.
Imagine if Kofi’s in the final four of the Rumble against Lesnar, Goldberg and Rollins. Nobody would believe that Mr. Royal Rumble actually takes it home, but then a mix of veteran instincts, signature acrobatics, and downright determination power Kofi to win.
A post-Rumble speech shadowing how he doesn’t know how many more punches his bumpcard can take, how much time he’s got left. You know, grit. And then put him up against the real chosen one, Heel Owens (let’s save Super Best Friends Battle for Summerslam), as we’ll have have Trips back starting at the Rumble, and every Raw thereafter, mocking Kofi’s history as never-was. This can let you reunite Rollins and New Day in the run up.
This won’t happen because Vince will never let Kofi main event WrestleMania.
Now, as this is all happening, let’s talk about the truth-dropping, cold af, crotch-shaking savage himself, Big E. It’ll start as Reigns comes out of the Royal Rumble bitter and angry that he was booed out of the building and couldn’t beat Kevin Owens.
So Big E, who didn’t shy away from mocking the hot potatoing of the Raw Women’s Championship, comes out and asks Reigns what’s up with his disdain for the United States Championship.
How Roman doesn’t think he needs to defend the title he owns. How Vince shined Roman up so pretty that Roman can live in the main event and use the red, white, and blue as decor. Big E reminds everyone that back in NXT, he was the NXT champ, while Roman Reigns was protected and kept in bubblewrap, like his stupid vest.
None of this happens because Roman won’t defend that title ever again. It’s his and his alone.
Living the true JRPG fantasy by sojourning on his own on Tuesday Nights, that’s where. No, he’s not going for the IC strap, but instead for that new purple belt, the Cruiserweight Championship.
If you haven’t checked his Wikipedia recently, yep, Mr. Woods is somehow billed at 205 pounds. This, despite being his swole self, means that Mr. Up Up Down Down can step up once Neville’s taken the title and claimed the moniker Cruiserweight Killer.
Let this feud, just like E vs. Reigns, play upon time spent down in NXT. Woods brings up the dogfood-bad hipster gimmick he was saddled with, saying he knows why Neville’s so angry about being forced to wear a cape and suffer Mighty Mouse jokes backstage. Neville decimates him on the Raw before the Rumble.
Let Woods have to prove himself as a Cruiserweight by pinning TJ Perkins in a multi-man elimination match for the #1 contender spot at the Rumble (before getting eliminated), beating The Brian Kendrick (on a 205 Live episode) and eliminating Swann to win a number 1 contenders’ battle royal at Fastlane.
None of this will happen because Cedric Alexander is probably winning that title at Mania, but I digress.
The New Day shows up to Wrestlemania in Orlando with the deck stacked against each of them.
Xavier is told he will now be one of many contenders, facing off in a ladder match for the title. At the end of a grueling 7-man pileup of a match that sees Kalisto likely die from his worst botch yet, it all comes down to Neville vs. Xavier.
Just as Neville is about to Red Arrow Xavier from the top of a ladder, Big E manages to rouse Woods from a state of slumber by playing the Final Fantasy victory klaxon on Francesca II: Turbo. Woods gets the knees up, blocking Neville. Then he climbs up the ladder to gain his first singles title in the WWE.
Big E is told that the special guest ref for his match against Roman Reigns will in fact be Vince McMahon himself, to keep an eye out for any shenanigans or foul play. Roman doesn’t admit he’s being played for a fool, and rationalizes this with the New Day’s history of cheating.
Right as E’s doing his gyrations over a fallen Reigns, a disgusted Vince tries to low-blow Big E. Luckily for the power of positivity, Big E’s been wearing a big and very metallic cup. Vince is helped to the back after he thinks he’s broken his arm. Kofi and Xavier carry Mr. McMahon to the back, while Titus O’Neil wonders why they could touch him, but not him.
Big Ending, new ref comes out, 1, 2, 3, and we’ve got two out of three New Day members holding gold.
Having been defeated earlier by Seth Rollins, Triple H is nowhere to be seen so Kevin Owens’ request for his match to get a special guest ref is met with silence. Xavier and E, both carrying their titles, walk Kofi down to the ring.
Kofi tells his brothers in horns that he needs to do this on his own. He’s come too far and lasted too long to have anyone claim he won the big one with ‘help.’
So the wily vet and the diabolical champ make for a close match filled with tons of near-falls until <time_to_play_the_game.mp3> hits. And Triple H limps out carrying Sledgey. Camera cuts to the back as Vince tells New Day they will be fired if they interfere in this now No DQ match.
Trips goes to swing his trusty sledgehammer, Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise on Hunter, knocking him off course and into Owens. 1, 2, NO! Trips pulls Kofi’s leg, Owens tosses him off the Ropes, Pop-Up-Power-No! Kofi jumps over Owens, Trouble in Paradise onto Owens this time. 1, 2, 3.
Xavier and E rush the ring, as Kofi’s finally won the big one.
This all goes well until say the Tuesday night after Summerslam, where you have Xavier lose his title on a 205 Live where the New Day wasn’t there for him.
He gets angry that he’s always been the baby and on his own and then betrays the others. Xavier gets the character definition that Architect-era Rollins got, and you’ve now elevated the rest to being champs in their own right.
No one can resist the power of Big E’s sweaty hugs.
I really hope that was Kether Donohue.
Adler is my spirit animal rn.
Dalton Castle, the most popular good guy of the evening, with The Boys. (at Hammerstein Ballroom)
Everything about how Adam Cole dropped the ROH world title last night points to him appearing on NXT soon. Even Kyle O’Reilly’s kind words after taking the title made it clear. (at Hammerstein Ballroom)